Laura

Let me tell you all about Laura, the bane of my childhood. Laura did everything that could possibly be on a 48 Hours Mystery/After-School Special ever. It started small, back in the early days of AIM, when chatrooms were unmoderated and easy to access. She went and told the entire world, apparently, where she lived, and decided to meet up with them. Needless to say, the parents found out, tripped out, and told my two rather overprotective parents. That was in 1998. I got internet access in 2006. Thanks, Laura.

She progressed to witchcraft. Not Wicca, whch is acceptable, so long as you aren't too freaking goofy about it, but full-on, "I'm a reincarnation of Tituba from Salem" witchcraft. Gee darn, Laura, the fact that Tituba decided to come back in the form of a chubby white teenager is a little far fetched. I have no idea how long that lasted, but in my parents' minds, I'm in danger every time I burn incense or have the audacity to make herbal tea. No lie, I'm like 1/1000th Wiccan in practice, because sometimes, darn it, the only thing you can do is attempt a spell and hope it works out. However, I've yet to state that I'd like to sacrifice a cat, as Laura told a very creeped out nine-year-old me, one fateful barbecue ago.

Then, she discovered WoW, or World of Warcraft, for those of you lucky enough not to know. How she ever got internet access back after the AIM stunt, I have no idea. But, as many do, she fell victim to the allure of being a level 70 Wood Elf, fell in with a dashing young Minotaur, (or whatever,) and ate herself into post-gum chewing Violet Beauregard size. Needless to say, she was an unemployed giant blob. Later, aforementioned Minotaur, who was really some skeevy creeper from back East, flew out, spent all of Laura's savings, terrorized the household, and vanished into the mists of his mom's basement when the cash ran dry.

This, of course, was right when I was happily playing around on Gaia, dabbling, of course, a little wee bit in the trashy romance novel side of it, but never freaking inviting people to live with me. The parents, of course, did not believe this, and took to bursting through the door unannounced every few minutes to demand I do chores and try to read over my shoulder. I bacame a master of unplugging the computer with my toes. Now, my little sister, poor thing, has joined Gaia, and has to use mom's laptop, as she does not yet have her own computer connected to the glories of "teh interwebs". This fact usually causes civil wars and cataclysmic events rivalled only by terrorism and Africa.

My parents, particularly my mother, have a deep-seated fear and conviction that my sister and I are doomed to become obese, unemployed Satan-worshippers. This does wonders for one's self-esteem. Every time one of us gets freaked out upon for asking to do something as simple as going somewhere alone, I know who to blame. Laura. That kid has seriously been the back story to every banned event, every invite I've turned down without even trying to ask. Dear eighth grade classmates of mine, class of 2003, I'm sorry I was so cold to you all. It was the fear of being "Laura-ized" by my parents that kept me from going to the Spice Girls/sleepover/party. It was the sheer drama of hearing about that stupid chick getting kidnapped that made me avoid people who had internet access.

I'm better now. The parents aren't. I have no idea where Laura is, and I don't particularly care or wish her well. Laura, you dumb twit! You may as well have told me santa wasn't real when I was two, for all the childhood hopes you squashed. I know your parents, and they're good, intelligent people. What the hell happened to you? Wherever you are, I regret your life decisions for you, because they sure screwed up mine. I got punished for your stupidity, I got lectured for your foolishness. Thanks.

Ugh.