Laura

Let me tell you all about Laura, the bane of my childhood. Laura did everything that could possibly be on a 48 Hours Mystery/After-School Special ever. It started small, back in the early days of AIM, when chatrooms were unmoderated and easy to access. She went and told the entire world, apparently, where she lived, and decided to meet up with them. Needless to say, the parents found out, tripped out, and told my two rather overprotective parents. That was in 1998. I got internet access in 2006. Thanks, Laura.

She progressed to witchcraft. Not Wicca, whch is acceptable, so long as you aren't too freaking goofy about it, but full-on, "I'm a reincarnation of Tituba from Salem" witchcraft. Gee darn, Laura, the fact that Tituba decided to come back in the form of a chubby white teenager is a little far fetched. I have no idea how long that lasted, but in my parents' minds, I'm in danger every time I burn incense or have the audacity to make herbal tea. No lie, I'm like 1/1000th Wiccan in practice, because sometimes, darn it, the only thing you can do is attempt a spell and hope it works out. However, I've yet to state that I'd like to sacrifice a cat, as Laura told a very creeped out nine-year-old me, one fateful barbecue ago.

Then, she discovered WoW, or World of Warcraft, for those of you lucky enough not to know. How she ever got internet access back after the AIM stunt, I have no idea. But, as many do, she fell victim to the allure of being a level 70 Wood Elf, fell in with a dashing young Minotaur, (or whatever,) and ate herself into post-gum chewing Violet Beauregard size. Needless to say, she was an unemployed giant blob. Later, aforementioned Minotaur, who was really some skeevy creeper from back East, flew out, spent all of Laura's savings, terrorized the household, and vanished into the mists of his mom's basement when the cash ran dry.

This, of course, was right when I was happily playing around on Gaia, dabbling, of course, a little wee bit in the trashy romance novel side of it, but never freaking inviting people to live with me. The parents, of course, did not believe this, and took to bursting through the door unannounced every few minutes to demand I do chores and try to read over my shoulder. I bacame a master of unplugging the computer with my toes. Now, my little sister, poor thing, has joined Gaia, and has to use mom's laptop, as she does not yet have her own computer connected to the glories of "teh interwebs". This fact usually causes civil wars and cataclysmic events rivalled only by terrorism and Africa.

My parents, particularly my mother, have a deep-seated fear and conviction that my sister and I are doomed to become obese, unemployed Satan-worshippers. This does wonders for one's self-esteem. Every time one of us gets freaked out upon for asking to do something as simple as going somewhere alone, I know who to blame. Laura. That kid has seriously been the back story to every banned event, every invite I've turned down without even trying to ask. Dear eighth grade classmates of mine, class of 2003, I'm sorry I was so cold to you all. It was the fear of being "Laura-ized" by my parents that kept me from going to the Spice Girls/sleepover/party. It was the sheer drama of hearing about that stupid chick getting kidnapped that made me avoid people who had internet access.

I'm better now. The parents aren't. I have no idea where Laura is, and I don't particularly care or wish her well. Laura, you dumb twit! You may as well have told me santa wasn't real when I was two, for all the childhood hopes you squashed. I know your parents, and they're good, intelligent people. What the hell happened to you? Wherever you are, I regret your life decisions for you, because they sure screwed up mine. I got punished for your stupidity, I got lectured for your foolishness. Thanks.

Ugh.

Weather or not.

I understand the concept of June Gloom. It's a dominant weather pattern in Southern California. However, it's getting ridiculous. Legitimate storms might be on the way, which is actually great news, since we're in another drought. You'd think that the government would learn to put water restrictions into effect at all times, and not do a last-minute freak-out every few years. Oh well, such is life and bureaucracy.

Meanwhile, decade-old seeds have managed to actually sprout, take root, and grow in the garden, which itself was formerly abandoned and desolate. The weather seems highly conducive to dreamy, impractical ideas, and the fulfillment of improbable goals. It's comforting, really. The chickens, of course, disapprove of the rain and hail, and seem to blame me for the noise and the damp, clucking at me like angry old bag-women. I'm sorry chickens, I cannot control anything but your food and whether you get eaten or not. (Don't push it, Caligula, you rotten little bowling ball in feathers.)

Surprising windfalls have been occurring, a mysterious paycheck from Crespi graced me with it's presence, and after Louisville's graduation, I had a surprisingly lovely evening with friends I rarely get to see, and who sometimes worry me. Christian went out to apply for jobs, after only moderate threats from me, and the bank teller who cashed the check flirted with me. Charming, of course, but as of now, I'm quite happy with Christian.

Summer is going smoothly, and all plans seem to be going along without too much drama or cataclysm. God willing, this will remain so. My friends and I so far haven't tried to kill each other yet, and there have been no major splits. Nobody is threatening to secede, and a state of emergency has not been declared.

I wish I could say the same for the government. Alaska, of course, is a smoking gun barrel full of wanton animal slayings, Palin's husband is a member of the Alaska Secessionist Party, (go for it, so we can invade, please,) and Dads Against Discrimination is absolutely on some sort of drug. Obama hasn't done anything astoundingly useful yet, and North Korea and Iran are still playing the part of school bullies, being crude and cruel for the sake of attention. California is bankrupt, and we're thinking about auctioning off some landmarks. Dibs on Hearst Castle, thanks.

In other news, at least one Mormon is a biggoted sociopath, having first told me Matthew Shepard deserved to be dragged and beaten to death for choosing to be gay, and that God Himself wanted it to happen, then spitting on me with a loogie that reeked of garlic and was horribly large and raw oyster-like. Also, at least one Mormon is a cool guy, because he's a loyal friend of my family, and as yet, has not expressed any xenophobic, irrational behaviors. I wish people would realize that killing, injuring, or being cruel in the name of God is the biggest sin of all. That's majorly taking His name in vain.

Oh well. I can't change their minds, but I hope I can educate others, or at least come up with better, more entertaining commercials paid for by substantially less shady out-of-state, irrelevant funding. Meanwhile, I shall continue to write, to love, and to enjoy my Constitutional rights as I see fit, and encourage others to do the same. Maybe this weather will help me achieve that improbable goal. Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness, because All are Equal.

Rainy Day Dreams

It's the beginning of June, and it's raining. This is glorious. The chickens do not approve, but too bad for them, it's lovely. The garden's planted, but since the seeds are more than a decade old, we'll have to see if anything comes up. Green beans, radishes, lettuce, broccoli (on a whim,) and then a barrel of various vines, from cantaloupes to cucumbers to spaghetti squash. Dad's planted tomatoes and eggplant in one of those ridiculous Topsy Turvy contraptions, and the wildflowers are still going strong.

Christian's due to help us fix up the yard soon, and our DWP is offering a dollar per square foot we xeriscape, so perhaps we'll go with that. Maybe this landscaping will pay for itself. I've been job hunting, so this may be weekend work. Meanwhile, I'm hoping and praying that the traditional Beach House visit will occur. There's such drama entailed in that trip, from evil greedy landlords denying us access, to friendly tiffs that turn into fullblown rages, but somehow, it's worth it. More on that later.

The rain has stopped, which is disappointing. I wanted an all day storm. Hopefully it starts back up soon. For now, it's back to reading and reliving my childhood wit the help of YouTube and scooby Doo.